Fiction Factor
Fairytale Review
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Monday, December 14, 2009
Walking Alone
" I wish I could feel my toes," Addy thought to herself as she marched through the snow on Main Street. "I'm almost there, and when I get there, everything will be better. My numb toes are a small price to pay for what I am about to do."
Her mind wandered outlining the conversation she was about to have. Her heart was racing, but that could have been caused by the walking, or the cold. It was the pit in her throat that ensured her of her overwhelming anxiety that boiled as she ran over in her mind the different outcomes of the conversation she was about to have.
The street lights created a sparkle wonderland beneath her feet as she continued. She walked with her hands in her pockets, head bowed down staring at the ground just thinking.
"I could just say it, blurt it out and wait for a reaction," she thought, "that would be the easiest way, just get it over with."
That thought however, made the anxiety rise. She knew in her heart that she would be supported, but what if she wasn't? What if this would end a part of her life that has been so great? Addy's fear was justified, she knew the rules she had been raised by. This was different though, her life's lessons were contradicting themselves. No matter what she decided to do, it would be going against something that she was taught. A value that she knew was important and something she believed. If only she hadn't got herself into this situation to begin with.
Addy glanced up and saw a red pick-up outside the white house on the corner.
"He beat me here," Addy's mind was racing, "well I guess then I know what I have to do.
As she walked closer to that white house on the corner, memories of her childhood drove through her head. Swinging on the swings in the backyard as her daddy pushed her. Her mama setting a pitcher of lemonade and some cookies on the picnic table. It was a storybook childhood and she now sat in a real world situation.
Addy walked up the greyed wooded steps on her parents front porch. Before she place her hand on the door, she stopped and took a deep breath.
"You can do this Addy," she tried to convince her self. "God, please, help me do this," she prayed, hoping the next thirty seconds didn't result in her world tumbling down. For the first time in her 17 years, she was about to do the hardest thing she's ever had to do.
Addy grasped the cold bronze door knob, her hands so numb she barely felt it. As she pushed open the door, the warmth of the house greeted her face like a hug, the smell of home filled her.
She walked into the family room to find her mom, dad, and boyfriend Dan playing a rather intense game of Scrabble. They looked up and smiled.
"Hi baby," Dan said, "I got off early, so I thought I'd come hang out with your family and wait for you here."
"Yes, sweetheart," Addy's Dad interrupted, "What did you want to tell us? Everything ok with my little girl?
Addy's heart pounded so hard, her head rushed, her face flushed, it was as if her emotional volcano erupted. Her eyes, filled with tears. Her hands trembling, she slowly opened her mouth and very quietly, with a soft, trembling voice uttered the words she had rehearsed for the past 3 days over and over.
"I'm pregnant."
Her mind wandered outlining the conversation she was about to have. Her heart was racing, but that could have been caused by the walking, or the cold. It was the pit in her throat that ensured her of her overwhelming anxiety that boiled as she ran over in her mind the different outcomes of the conversation she was about to have.
The street lights created a sparkle wonderland beneath her feet as she continued. She walked with her hands in her pockets, head bowed down staring at the ground just thinking.
"I could just say it, blurt it out and wait for a reaction," she thought, "that would be the easiest way, just get it over with."
That thought however, made the anxiety rise. She knew in her heart that she would be supported, but what if she wasn't? What if this would end a part of her life that has been so great? Addy's fear was justified, she knew the rules she had been raised by. This was different though, her life's lessons were contradicting themselves. No matter what she decided to do, it would be going against something that she was taught. A value that she knew was important and something she believed. If only she hadn't got herself into this situation to begin with.
Addy glanced up and saw a red pick-up outside the white house on the corner.
"He beat me here," Addy's mind was racing, "well I guess then I know what I have to do.
As she walked closer to that white house on the corner, memories of her childhood drove through her head. Swinging on the swings in the backyard as her daddy pushed her. Her mama setting a pitcher of lemonade and some cookies on the picnic table. It was a storybook childhood and she now sat in a real world situation.
Addy walked up the greyed wooded steps on her parents front porch. Before she place her hand on the door, she stopped and took a deep breath.
"You can do this Addy," she tried to convince her self. "God, please, help me do this," she prayed, hoping the next thirty seconds didn't result in her world tumbling down. For the first time in her 17 years, she was about to do the hardest thing she's ever had to do.
Addy grasped the cold bronze door knob, her hands so numb she barely felt it. As she pushed open the door, the warmth of the house greeted her face like a hug, the smell of home filled her.
She walked into the family room to find her mom, dad, and boyfriend Dan playing a rather intense game of Scrabble. They looked up and smiled.
"Hi baby," Dan said, "I got off early, so I thought I'd come hang out with your family and wait for you here."
"Yes, sweetheart," Addy's Dad interrupted, "What did you want to tell us? Everything ok with my little girl?
Addy's heart pounded so hard, her head rushed, her face flushed, it was as if her emotional volcano erupted. Her eyes, filled with tears. Her hands trembling, she slowly opened her mouth and very quietly, with a soft, trembling voice uttered the words she had rehearsed for the past 3 days over and over.
"I'm pregnant."
Revision Excersize Notes
I had my sister cut up my story and paste it back together. It was a weird experience for me because it gave me ideas on how to spilt up my back story. I originally new that I had too much back story like we have talked about in the boards for a while, but how to split it up was hard for me the fathom. For example, one of the places in the story that was eye opening was when Paul was on the plane to Turkey. Right after he falls asleep it jumps to Jo and Paul talking for hours in the car on the ride home from school. That got me thinking that Paul could dream a back memory and split some of the back story up. I also realized that in cutting up the story there were only two sections that even mention Paul's brother, and those sections really add nothing. HE dies at the end so I figured he should probably be more developed as a character. Therefore, in my revision you'll see he has a bigger place in the story.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Adding Action to 21 Gun Salute
There was a loud crashing sound, matched with a high pitch screeching. The entire train was shaking. Paul turned, opened his eyes to see that it was dark outside. They were still moving along the track, but not as smoothly as before. He turned to see Doug waking as well, as confused as he was. What was going on? Paul propped himself up to see what was happening behind him. Just as he turned he saw the train car begin to bend. He could see out the window that the train was beginning to jack-knife. He literally saw a corresponding train car bending directly towards the side of the train he and Doug were seated on. Paul’s heart was racing. He grabbed Doug’s arm and pointed out the window.
“Move,” Paul shouted desperately.
Suddenly Paul felt a wave a pressure push him into Paul and against the train wall across from where they were sitting. He was thrown from that wall to the ceiling and then crashing to the floor. The car was full of screaming. Glass was breaking and you could hear metal grinding against metal. Paul didn’t know which way was up. It kept changing. He felt like a helpless rag doll being tossed around. He had pain all over, his leg especially. It felt like thousands of hammers and knives taking their turn over and over again. It was so bad he could hardly bare it. Every time he was tossed around the train car his leg would hit a seat or the floor or a loose piece of baggage and the pain would shoot up Paul’s entire body.
Suddenly the movement stopped. It was still. Paul’s leg was throbbing, he could feel, what he assumed to be blood, dripping down his face. It was warm, and mixed with tears pouring out of his eyes. He heard several women crying, men screaming in pain, and yet he could still hear the silence of the night. He knew they were in a remote area, far from nearby help. Paul attempted to call out to Doug, but he couldn’t. The pain in his body was so unbearable he couldn’t move. All he could do was lie there and listen to the others call out in pain. He briefly prayed that someone would come and find them, but as time passed and Paul grew weaker, he began to fear he’d never see his wife again. He closed his eyes and thought back to their last night on their honeymoon. Paul was so sunburn he couldn’t move. Jo wanted to feel bad for him, but it was just so funny to her. He was not the type of guy to burn, but when you fall asleep on a beach for hours, it’s bound to happen to anyone. Their last night was spent in their hotel room Paul covered in Aloe and Jo sitting far enough away not to touch and disturb the sunburn. They just looked at each other and made small talk. Jo would make fun of Paul and he would pout. It was a night that, at the time, he thought was ruined, a bad end to a good trip. However, now as he lied on the bed of this train, unable to move, filled with an indescribable pain, it was this night he thought of. He found comfort in knowing that it was never anything that he said or did for Jo that made her happy. It was just the time they spent together. He missed that time, and would do anything for even just one more minute of it.
“Move,” Paul shouted desperately.
Suddenly Paul felt a wave a pressure push him into Paul and against the train wall across from where they were sitting. He was thrown from that wall to the ceiling and then crashing to the floor. The car was full of screaming. Glass was breaking and you could hear metal grinding against metal. Paul didn’t know which way was up. It kept changing. He felt like a helpless rag doll being tossed around. He had pain all over, his leg especially. It felt like thousands of hammers and knives taking their turn over and over again. It was so bad he could hardly bare it. Every time he was tossed around the train car his leg would hit a seat or the floor or a loose piece of baggage and the pain would shoot up Paul’s entire body.
Suddenly the movement stopped. It was still. Paul’s leg was throbbing, he could feel, what he assumed to be blood, dripping down his face. It was warm, and mixed with tears pouring out of his eyes. He heard several women crying, men screaming in pain, and yet he could still hear the silence of the night. He knew they were in a remote area, far from nearby help. Paul attempted to call out to Doug, but he couldn’t. The pain in his body was so unbearable he couldn’t move. All he could do was lie there and listen to the others call out in pain. He briefly prayed that someone would come and find them, but as time passed and Paul grew weaker, he began to fear he’d never see his wife again. He closed his eyes and thought back to their last night on their honeymoon. Paul was so sunburn he couldn’t move. Jo wanted to feel bad for him, but it was just so funny to her. He was not the type of guy to burn, but when you fall asleep on a beach for hours, it’s bound to happen to anyone. Their last night was spent in their hotel room Paul covered in Aloe and Jo sitting far enough away not to touch and disturb the sunburn. They just looked at each other and made small talk. Jo would make fun of Paul and he would pout. It was a night that, at the time, he thought was ruined, a bad end to a good trip. However, now as he lied on the bed of this train, unable to move, filled with an indescribable pain, it was this night he thought of. He found comfort in knowing that it was never anything that he said or did for Jo that made her happy. It was just the time they spent together. He missed that time, and would do anything for even just one more minute of it.
The Rookie
Jimmy was filled with emotion. Did that all really just happen? Just months ago he was a chemistry teacher and a high school baseball coach, now he just pitched in a Major League game. His hear was racing after that final strikeout. As he ran off the field he saw his friend Brooks, who had been called up with him, standing their waiting to congratulate him.
"Awesome work man," Brooks shouted over the sound of the crowd.
"Thanks," Jimmy responded.
As the team entered the tunnel and headed toward the clubhouse, Jimmy could feel his heart racing. He had wanted this since he was a little boy. His dad's military assignments forced him to move around a lot and it wasn't until he was nearly 14 that he got to play consistently on one baseball team for an entire summer. Of all places, in the football state of Texas. Jimmy had many cards against him, but he still did it. He made it to the majors, against all odds and his Dad's unsupportive attitude. He made it.
As Jimmy exited the clubhouse after the game, he was swarmed by reporters.
"How does it feel," one shouted.
"What pitches did you throw," another reporter followed.
"I, um, I feel great. It's a dream come true. Fastballs, I threw fastballs," Jimmy was overwhelmed.
As the questions kept coming, Jimmy saw a familiar face at the back of the player entrance. It was his father.
"Excuse me," Jimmy said to the reporters, "I'll be right back."
Jimmy walked to his father and asked him what he was doing there.
"I wasn't going to miss this one," Jimmy's dad said softly. Jimmy's dad referring to all the baseball game of Jimmy's he had missed in the past.
"I'm proud of you son," he continued holding back his tears.
Jimmy smiled a little, unsure what to do. His dad turned and began to walk away.
"Dad," Jimmy stopped his dad from walking away. "I'd like you to have this," Jimmy said while pulling a baseball out of his pocket. Jimmy was giving his dad the baseball from his first Major League start. He realized that despite the man his dad was, he was trying to make up for it now. His dad knew that Jimmy loved baseball and that this is where his dreams came true.
His dad smiled, turned, and walked away, tossing the ball in his hand. Jimmy felt a calm within him that he hadn't felt in years. Like he had finally settled his differences with his dad.
Jimmy then turned to see his loving wife waiting for him, tears in her eyes at what she just witnessed.
"Awesome work man," Brooks shouted over the sound of the crowd.
"Thanks," Jimmy responded.
As the team entered the tunnel and headed toward the clubhouse, Jimmy could feel his heart racing. He had wanted this since he was a little boy. His dad's military assignments forced him to move around a lot and it wasn't until he was nearly 14 that he got to play consistently on one baseball team for an entire summer. Of all places, in the football state of Texas. Jimmy had many cards against him, but he still did it. He made it to the majors, against all odds and his Dad's unsupportive attitude. He made it.
As Jimmy exited the clubhouse after the game, he was swarmed by reporters.
"How does it feel," one shouted.
"What pitches did you throw," another reporter followed.
"I, um, I feel great. It's a dream come true. Fastballs, I threw fastballs," Jimmy was overwhelmed.
As the questions kept coming, Jimmy saw a familiar face at the back of the player entrance. It was his father.
"Excuse me," Jimmy said to the reporters, "I'll be right back."
Jimmy walked to his father and asked him what he was doing there.
"I wasn't going to miss this one," Jimmy's dad said softly. Jimmy's dad referring to all the baseball game of Jimmy's he had missed in the past.
"I'm proud of you son," he continued holding back his tears.
Jimmy smiled a little, unsure what to do. His dad turned and began to walk away.
"Dad," Jimmy stopped his dad from walking away. "I'd like you to have this," Jimmy said while pulling a baseball out of his pocket. Jimmy was giving his dad the baseball from his first Major League start. He realized that despite the man his dad was, he was trying to make up for it now. His dad knew that Jimmy loved baseball and that this is where his dreams came true.
His dad smiled, turned, and walked away, tossing the ball in his hand. Jimmy felt a calm within him that he hadn't felt in years. Like he had finally settled his differences with his dad.
Jimmy then turned to see his loving wife waiting for him, tears in her eyes at what she just witnessed.
Bad Date Good Date?
Yesssss! I finally have a date. Haha. I knew the picture of my neighbor at the beach would draw some lucky lady to want to meet me. Yea so I'm not the "best looking" guy in the world, but everybody has their issues. For some, it may be a faded tan, or a bad hair day. For me? We who needs all their teeth anyway. I'm so excited, only 12 minutes until I get to meet her.
We are meeting in a centralized location. I chose the Mall of America. She gets the idea that we are going to hit up one of the ritzy restaurants. I'll buy a dinner with all that money I claim I have. But oh no, don't worry. I have a plan. We'll end up in the food court, I'll make her buy her own food and she'll see just how humble I really am. I know a woman can pay for her own food. I know a woman doesn't need an expensive meal or a dressed up guy. I am going to wow her with a food court dinner and my rockin' Star Trek t-shirt. I can not wait!
Standing in the rotunda, waiting to meet her. I remember her picture vividly. I keep looking for her. My heart is fluttering with excitement. I've never really had a date before. What is it like? Do you think I'll get to hold her hand?
There she is! I see her. In the blue scarf like she said she's be wearing. Wow, she's pretty, and really dressed up. Hmmm. Maybe a little too dressed up for the food court. I wonder if I should have prefaced my plan with some instruction? Oh well. McDonald's here we come. I'm waving now, I told her I'd have a yellow rose in my hand. She clearly sees me. I'm waving the rose and delicately yelling her name.
"Ashley! Ashley! Over here!" I yell jumping up and down.
She keeps walking though, faster it appears than she was before she saw me. As I walk towards her, to try and keep up, she ducks into a woman's bathroom. Of course, she is just being polite and using the facilities now, as to not take away time from our date. I politely wait out side, sitting on the bench awaiting her exit from the restroom.
As I wait I picture her reaction when she see what our after dinner activity will be. We will take the lightrail to the downtown area, where I will show humility once again as I pretend to "forget" my wallet as we order our drinks, forcing her to pay. This will surely so her how willing I am to never forget how important of a person she is.
It's been a while, I wonder if she's ok? Maybe it was a bad burrito or something at lunch, but she's been in there for like 20 minutes. Hmmm. Nobody has really come out, I should ask someone for help.
"Excuse me, Ma'am," I say to the classy janitor lady, "My date went in there about 24 minutes ago and has not exited yet."
"I'm sorry sir, but the bathroom is empty," she politely answered as she mopped the floor in front of the Dairy Queen.
"That's impossible," I exclaim determined. "I've been watching the door the entire time."
"Hmmm," the lady sounds as she drains the muck water off her mop, "I don't know how to tell you this but that's the entrance to the bathroom sir. The exit is to the left about 20 feet."
Could it be true? Did she really stand me up? Impossible. I picked the perfect picture, I bought the yellow rose, I wore my best Star Trek T-shirt. Why wouldn't she want to date me? She would. Of course she would. It must have been the bad burrito. She was too embarrassed to see me. Of course that's what it is. I'm going to go home right now and send her a Get Well E-Card so she knows it's ok. What a perfect end to a well, kind of evening.
We are meeting in a centralized location. I chose the Mall of America. She gets the idea that we are going to hit up one of the ritzy restaurants. I'll buy a dinner with all that money I claim I have. But oh no, don't worry. I have a plan. We'll end up in the food court, I'll make her buy her own food and she'll see just how humble I really am. I know a woman can pay for her own food. I know a woman doesn't need an expensive meal or a dressed up guy. I am going to wow her with a food court dinner and my rockin' Star Trek t-shirt. I can not wait!
Standing in the rotunda, waiting to meet her. I remember her picture vividly. I keep looking for her. My heart is fluttering with excitement. I've never really had a date before. What is it like? Do you think I'll get to hold her hand?
There she is! I see her. In the blue scarf like she said she's be wearing. Wow, she's pretty, and really dressed up. Hmmm. Maybe a little too dressed up for the food court. I wonder if I should have prefaced my plan with some instruction? Oh well. McDonald's here we come. I'm waving now, I told her I'd have a yellow rose in my hand. She clearly sees me. I'm waving the rose and delicately yelling her name.
"Ashley! Ashley! Over here!" I yell jumping up and down.
She keeps walking though, faster it appears than she was before she saw me. As I walk towards her, to try and keep up, she ducks into a woman's bathroom. Of course, she is just being polite and using the facilities now, as to not take away time from our date. I politely wait out side, sitting on the bench awaiting her exit from the restroom.
As I wait I picture her reaction when she see what our after dinner activity will be. We will take the lightrail to the downtown area, where I will show humility once again as I pretend to "forget" my wallet as we order our drinks, forcing her to pay. This will surely so her how willing I am to never forget how important of a person she is.
It's been a while, I wonder if she's ok? Maybe it was a bad burrito or something at lunch, but she's been in there for like 20 minutes. Hmmm. Nobody has really come out, I should ask someone for help.
"Excuse me, Ma'am," I say to the classy janitor lady, "My date went in there about 24 minutes ago and has not exited yet."
"I'm sorry sir, but the bathroom is empty," she politely answered as she mopped the floor in front of the Dairy Queen.
"That's impossible," I exclaim determined. "I've been watching the door the entire time."
"Hmmm," the lady sounds as she drains the muck water off her mop, "I don't know how to tell you this but that's the entrance to the bathroom sir. The exit is to the left about 20 feet."
Could it be true? Did she really stand me up? Impossible. I picked the perfect picture, I bought the yellow rose, I wore my best Star Trek T-shirt. Why wouldn't she want to date me? She would. Of course she would. It must have been the bad burrito. She was too embarrassed to see me. Of course that's what it is. I'm going to go home right now and send her a Get Well E-Card so she knows it's ok. What a perfect end to a well, kind of evening.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Here's Johnny!
Meet Johnny, or as beach goers call him, "man who sleeps on beach talking in his sleep." Typically you'll find him where the sand and water meet. Sun or rain, light or dark, he's relaxing and wondering from beach to beach living what he refers to as "the life." When I met him, he was face down on a red and yellow striped beach towel. His back was the color of the red stripes on his towel caused by an over exposed kiss from the sun. As I walked by him, he grunted, and muffled some words.
"Are you ok sir?" I ask hesitantly, I didn't want to wake a sleeping giant.
"Murahndamo," Johnny grunted, "Wha? Oh, um, hello Miss." Johnny stands up looking slightly embarrassed for his sleep talk...well sleep grunting.
His skin was a color of it's own, like it couldn't decide if it wanted to be tan or sun burnt. His sandy blond bangs brushed his aging face. You could see years of experience in his eyes. You could see that for every grey speck with in his ice blue iris' there was a story to tell. Johnny brushed off his chest of the sand he had been sleeping in. His hands were naked, no rings or watches. In fact other than his aging straw hat and a tearing pair of blue plaid shorts, Johnny's body was naked.
"May I help you miss?" Johnny interjects my study of his persona. I shrug and pretend like I don't know. Johnny smiles and bends over to pick up his towel. He began walking away as I stood there still curious to who this man was. What did he do? Where did he live? What was his story?
"Wait!" I yelled to him suddenly, I didn't know what came over me. I wanted to know his story. I wanted to meet Johnny, and hear those stories you could see in his eyes. I took of my sandals and began running up to him. I was going to spend the rest of my afternoon in the most relaxing place, learning about a man named Johnny. He lived every day like his last. Stress was a foreign word, the beach was his home, and most importantly, anyone and everyone was his friend.
"Are you ok sir?" I ask hesitantly, I didn't want to wake a sleeping giant.
"Murahndamo," Johnny grunted, "Wha? Oh, um, hello Miss." Johnny stands up looking slightly embarrassed for his sleep talk...well sleep grunting.
His skin was a color of it's own, like it couldn't decide if it wanted to be tan or sun burnt. His sandy blond bangs brushed his aging face. You could see years of experience in his eyes. You could see that for every grey speck with in his ice blue iris' there was a story to tell. Johnny brushed off his chest of the sand he had been sleeping in. His hands were naked, no rings or watches. In fact other than his aging straw hat and a tearing pair of blue plaid shorts, Johnny's body was naked.
"May I help you miss?" Johnny interjects my study of his persona. I shrug and pretend like I don't know. Johnny smiles and bends over to pick up his towel. He began walking away as I stood there still curious to who this man was. What did he do? Where did he live? What was his story?
"Wait!" I yelled to him suddenly, I didn't know what came over me. I wanted to know his story. I wanted to meet Johnny, and hear those stories you could see in his eyes. I took of my sandals and began running up to him. I was going to spend the rest of my afternoon in the most relaxing place, learning about a man named Johnny. He lived every day like his last. Stress was a foreign word, the beach was his home, and most importantly, anyone and everyone was his friend.
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